I am the worst person to go to an amusement park with. I don’t find them amusing. Normally, I find amusement parks to be terrible places where I am forced to act happy and receive constant threats to my manhood because I don’t want to spend an hour waiting in line for 2 and half minutes of “fun”.
On Sunday I went out with Delilah to an amusement park. We hadn’t gone on a date in awhile and it was a nice day so it seemed like a good thing to do. She of course said “amusement park” and I of course heard “smelly place with things that turn you upside down”.
We took the subway out to the park, bought some tickets, and wandered in.
The first thing I noticed was that this park had an Eiffel Tower. It seems every amusement park I visit in China has it’s own Eiffel Tower. I asked Delilah why that was and she said: “People in China like the Eiffel Tower.”
Question? Answered.
We walked around the park, not going on any rides. Delilah of course saying “That one!” or “Let’s go on that!” or “That one looks scary, let’s go on that!”
I refused all of them. I kept pulling a “Let’s see what else there is” line. The options in the park seemed to either be really intense thrill rides and roller coasters or completely tame “junior” rides that a toddler would have trouble getting excited about.
“What about that one? I like roller coasters.”
“Yeah… Maybe you could go on it…”
“Yeah, both of us will go on it.”
“… or… or just you…”
“Just me?”
“Yes.”
“Why don’t you want to go on it? It looks fun.”
“I’m really more of a… sit down kind of guy. Maybe a ride where I just sit there would be good. No going up and down like that. I don’t like going up high. I like staying right down here; down here on the ground. Also no spinning or going upside down.”
“Oh I know the ride you’re talking about, it’s called ‘a park bench’.”
One of the more popular tame rides was this river ride. You get to go in the mouth of what appears to be a saber-toothed tiger dog:
… and of course come out the other end:
Check out this sweet gun that I didn’t get to climb on but all these little kids did:
It turns out most of the rides we actually wanted to go on we couldn’t. They required buying “special” tickets. Basically the entire park trolled us. It was a good time for Delilah and I to discuss the word “rip-off”.
Notice how my pictures start off during the day and the only pictures of rides happen at night? That’s because that’s how long it took Delilah to convince me to go on one of her rides.
Terrible picture approaching:
Delilah went on this. While she was on it I went on the simulator. Really. I chose to go on a simulated roller coaster over the option of going on a real roller coaster. Not only that, but it was more expensive to go on the fake roller coaster than the real one. I’m still struggling to understand the deeper implications of what this says about me.
It’s not that I’m just afraid of heights or being upside down, and I actually kind of like the spinning rides, it’s that it’s all compounded by the fact that I’m in China. If I’ve learned anything since being in China it’s that the Chinese often view taking care of equipment and maintenance issues on the extremely high standard of “Well… it’s fine.” Maintenance isn’t the highest priority here. It is most common to fix things after they’ve broken. “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it” is taken to extremes here.
So combine my fears of being up high, my dislike of moving too fast while upside down, my impatience toward standing in line order to experience something I don’t want to experience, my very real fear of the safety of being shot 80 miles an hour at what could easily be a launch pad to my doom, and I’m not a particularly happy camper.
However, there are always a few things to brighten my experience. My favorite flavor of Wonderful Time Happy Ice Cream for example. It tastes exactly like you think it tastes:
Also of course, the random statues of people doing things that seem to be everywhere in this country:
Here’s the gigantic ferris wheel I wanted to go on. Delilah said no because it was too boring. Also she said that I’m boring. Also that I should get back in the kitchen and make her a sandwich. Also that maybe I should figure out what dress I want to wear on Saturday because I’m a little girl and that’s when my stuffed animals have their weekly tea party.
“My boyfriend is queen of the pussycats!”
While Delilah was enjoying herself on a roller coaster, I saw this statue:
As I looked at it, I found it wasn’t a statue, it was too detailed. The jet intake in the front went all the way to the inside of the plane, it was actually made out of light metal, and it there was a seat inside the cockpit. I realized it was actually a decommissioned jet fighter. I was just so used to seeing fake things that I assumed this too was a big fake thing and didn’t give it a second thought. Pretty sweet. Really old, looks like the 1950’s. Could this be a leftover from the Korean War? I don’t know. I hope so, it’s cool:
Eventually we ran out of money, tickets, and stuff to do, so we left the park. It was a perfectly fine place, it’s just really really something I don’t do. It’s one of those things where everyone in the world seems to enjoy it or looks like they’re enjoying it, but I don’t.
Society has put a huge amount of pressure on people to enjoy amusement parks. It’s a very similar feeling I get from dance clubs. You’re supposed to enjoy it and to not enjoy it makes you weird somehow, a sourpuss, a Negative Nancy, a Debbie Downer; you’re “that guy”. You can’t say “no I don’t like amusement parks” because for some reason that’s akin to saying “I hate fun”. It’s really not fair, but I don’t care anymore. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I don’t enjoy them and I’m not afraid to say it.
The only enjoyment I get from amusement parks is from not doing anything that the amusement park wants me to do. I don’t like going fast, I don’t like making my stomach go into my mouth, and I don’t like G-forces doing anything to me other holding my feet firmly on the ground.
I do, however, enjoy being with my friends and people I care about. I like looking at things. I like people watching, talking about why things are the way they are, and eating things that are a riot of color.
Last but not least, I also like that there is a Chinese version of everything:
